if you knew how many times i went back in my head and wondered why i used the word “immersion” it would probably push you even further away from me than you are already. it’s interesting how polite and civilized i am, so concerned with how others feel, but i always find myself on the corner of my blanket wondering why i can’t relate to people anymore. i think back to my early 20s, getting blind drunk, dancing until the last song without a care in the world about waking up early or anything. then i hit that wall and back then you liked me, you liked my irresponsibility and lack of being able to articulate anything except for the wonder of everything readily available to be spewed out of my lips. but because i destroyed myself and got better and because you destroyed yourself and got better and that one time you told me you understood why people felt safe in each other’s arms and instead of being there i just spent all my energy trying to memorize your words, memorize your smell, memorize those windows and the dim light outlining the frame of your body forever. time has passed and each day i focus on silence as a gift to you, silence forever if that’s what you want. i don’t know why i said immersion.
